Song of the Week:
Disappear Daily by: Ollie MN
Meaningful Friendships
Aaaahhh Wednesday, it’s you and me, here ready to dive into this week’s topic. I love that for us. If you’re new here, a warm welcome to you and if this isn’t your first rodeo with me, welcome back. I am glad you’re here.
If there is one thing, I wish to better understand it is time. A human made concept that is a double edge sword, you either love it or you hate it. It has the ability to feel loooooonnng or feel FAST, in the same moment and/or at the same time. She is wild.
But the reason I bring time, or the passing of time up is because of a lifelong question that I feel is the epitome of friendship. They say time isn’t a measurement of how well you know someone, but I think I may disagree. See, time does that to a person.
How long do we have to know someone to call them a best friend? Is it something naturally agreed upon? Or is it the time spent together? And maybe I overthink literally everything, yet I just can’t shake off these unanswered questions and thoughts. It’s one of the main reasons I started this whole thing, I have had a lot of friendships barely lasting a year. Yet, in those moments it feels as though it was safe to call them my best friend. We would be stuck to the hip and still with enough time these relationships would crumble to pieces, leaving us to never speak again. On the other hand, there are friends I have known for years and it’s like we are still at the first act – floating. We may see each other often, but our friendship has not developed more deeply. It’s a weird concept to me, how some connections last and others fade into time. All this leads me to adding this week’s topic to the ins and outs series, time edition.
Mix it Up
Now that I have laid out the foundation, let’s dive into the first in: conversation topics.
What are the conversations you are having with your friends?
Truly. Please say the answer out aloud. Hear yourself.
I didn’t really understand what this question attempted to get at, until my Tik Tok algorithm pulled me into the “how-to-build-meaningful relationships” video content on TikTok. One video in particular, struck a chord with me, leaving me with a nugget of wisdom on how to create and engage in meaningful conversation. What struck me wasn’t how cheesy it was. But instead, how it seems to me there are only four things’ people talk about. I have failed to make the connection, but it seems to me like we always seem to come back to four topics of conversation: family drama, work, home life, and or the thing that brought you together, i.e. school, work again, mutual friend, hobby etc. It is always these same topics of conversation, over and over again, but at the same time, what else are you supposed to talk about?
Maybe to you it seems like enough, but for me though, I am that friend that wants to dig deeper. Tell me why you’ve been biting your nails your whole life, tell me how forgetting your folder on the bus from school that one time, you know stuff that seems like a random story from your past. I think a lot of people find that very irrelevant, here is where you’re wrong.
Storytelling has been around for centuries; I exaggerate a lot in my stories to the point that it is obvious. I do it for the purpose of the story, to capture and convey the emotion I was feeling, because I want you to feel it. But I always stay true to the series of events, and I also describe everything in detail. Every little detail that I can remember. From the time of day, day of the times to the exact isle I was sitting in. All because I think it paints a picture, a picture of your memories. Memories and time go hand in hand, every waking moment is another memory in the books. And memories not only tell a story, but they show us who you are. Letting others into a memory is quite sacred, which is why I think most people don’t like it. Many of us don’t allow others in but think of it differently. It not about you telling your life story, instead it is you telling a story.
Here is another way to think about it, in school there was always that one person who was so funny at telling stories. It could be something so small, like forgetting change but they are such amazing story tellers that it somehow becomes funny. They make it feel like you were right there next to them as it happened. If you could think of a person, I bet you remember their name. Storytelling allows us to enter your mind, into your heart. It could be something small or something grand, as long as it is about you, it is a story worth telling. So, when I am telling a story, I really am telling that story.
Which is why I think time isn’t a factor in friendship but at the same time it is! Think about how you have to think of a story then, tell it and the conversations after the fact. Guess what? That takes time! Telling someone all these stories of you and vice versa, creates a great game of Tell-me-when. From my point of view, I am 23 currently – if I found someone new to tell all my 23 years of living. Do you know how long that will take?
I don’t know the answer to that but, true friendship isn’t who you’ve known the longest. It’s who knows your story. This allows the level of comfortability and openness helps make the time go by so quickly even though it’s been a short amount of time. The quality of time spent together is more important than, someone I known the longest. The older I get, the more that fact becomes truer and truer. And I am only 23, I have many, many, many years to find my tribe.
Time Out
Recently I had just finished chapter four of bell hooks’ greatest book, Communion: The Female Search For Love. Which is about finding balance in work and love and can we for a moment pause.
The fact that she published this book in 2002, yet 20 YEARS LATER still be one the most relevant topics us women face to this day! She goes on to say that the feminist movement did grant women to start making our own bags but that left us to have two shifts. The work shift and the shift at home, a.k.a the second shift- where women were still expected to do the house chores and take care of the children AND THEN GIVE LOVE. That is like three shifts if we are counting! And this change did not create equality women were looking for, it in fact backfired on us. Many women ended up hating the feminist movement due to the “betrayal”. And I put quotation marks around betrayal because I don’t believe it was the feminist movement’s fault for creating this mess, instead of blaming ourselves, how about we give the blame on the cause. MEN. She too points this out. Do me a favor and go get this book ASAP and READ it.
Okay enough of my rant, back to my point. This betrayal ended up flipping the script for women, and a popular book was published in response. Robin Norwood’s 1985 book Women Who Love Too Much, that really was the nail in the coffin,
“Basically, Norwood, like unenlightened feminist activists, encouraged women to imitate the behavior of their male counterparts – to repress and deny longings of love and simply come up with useful strategies for getting needs met.” (bell hooks, page 54). First of all, bell hooks call her “unenlightened”. That right there…she ain’t messing around. I never even read that book, so I have no say but, damn, to get insulted by bell hooks, yeah, no thanks.
It gets worst, she ends her rant by saying, “In the wake of Norwood’s book, its overwhelmingly popular reception, it became taboo for women to act publicly as though love mattered (since everyone was afraid of being identified as a woman who loved too much)” (bell hooks, page 55). And then it clicked for me.
As a consequence, society has ended up in this era of hating love. We hate people, we hate ourselves, we hate being tied to any man and we hate having children. It’s like a blessing if we find someone to tolerate. But I think this just reveals our intolerance to love. When we hate love, it affects everything in our life. And maybe this will only speak volumes to me but, it’s not that I hate trying to get to know people… I just find people to be very boring and annoying. Was that harsh? Well, I am willing to bet, I also come across boring and annoying.
And that is not to say, it is your job to provide me with entertainment. I think the result of hating love is being closed off and reclusive. So, we have the same conversations over and over again. It’s like, is this the meaning of friendship? I hope not. When we hate love, it closes the door to finding love and thus leaves us feeling unfulfilled in our relationships. We find ourselves to be one dimensional being when in fact we are such multifaceted beings. The only reason we come across that way is because we don’t like to reveal love. And by we, I mean me, but if that also resonates with you then join the club partner. The reason why is because, as Norwood puts it “imitate behavior of their male counterparts”.
I ACT LIKE A MAN. Pause……Did I just…- and I OOP.
I say this with my chest because I realized something. Maybe all of that stems from a place of hate. The reason I do like to try is because deep down I am emotionally blocking myself. Protecting myself. I act like my male counterparts and reject love.
When I focus on myself – bettering, loving, and building I can feel that dome of hate slowly opens above me and it’s like I am me. Me is cool. And I want to share it. Then that voice creeps up behind me to stop myself. I start second guessing if I actually am cool or am I weirdo with no life. Even though, just two seconds ago, I thought I was the shit! That all comes crashing when because of this mentality.
And this, this exact feeling gots to go. ASAP, no Rocky. OUT. You hear me, out! I am wasting my own potential because I am afraid. This masculinity I ham holding on to isn’t for me. It does me no justice nor does it help me find the love I want. Reading that was such a relief, I finally found the reason why I terrible at making friends. And this reversal happened in the mid-eighties the midst of my – and probably yours- parents growing up. But it’s time we end it. Undo all that masculinity, come back to the true mission of womanhood, building our communities.
Spent Together
This week, I bring forth a calm, soothing sound to help destress all that pent up anxiety and frustration. Disappear Daily by Ollie MN is a song you listen to when you are cleaning and opening all the windows. That feeling of letting that fresh air in is this song. Or it’s like that feeling you get when there is a spring shower, but the sun is still out. You get mad at first but then you see the sun and instant relief. It’s just a light drizzle, barely a sprinkle. The sun doesn’t seem to mind letting rain come in. Let this song be your reminder to always choose love. Even when times are tough, love is all you got left. And while you’re at it, tell a story. One you’ve never told before.
Thank you for spending time with me. I really loved this time we spent together; I look forward to it every Wednesday. If you enjoyed this week, stay tuned for next week’s issue, where I talk about one of my favorite art forms that will permanently change your mind. Well… not really, but it fits the theme, so I am going with it.
Again, thank you for joining me on this journey at The Unfinished Times! Don’t forget to follow me for more insightful content, give a shout-out to spread the word, and consider signing up for our Co-Collective to be part of our vibrant community. And if you missed any posts from previous weeks, take a moment to catch up! Let’s continue exploring, sharing, and growing together! See you in the next post~XOXO
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