Song of the Week:
Just a Waste (UNRELEASED) by: PinkPantheress
I Have a Baby Face
Hello friends, happy Wednesday, it is I, your writer of The Unfinished Times. Here to talk to share a funny little occurrence that happened to me recently. On my journey to better health and bettering my body, I recently hit a major milestone. Hitting this goal led me to the conclusion that I have worked hard for the body I have. I weigh 153 pounds and can deadlift 156 pounds off the ground in good form and I love it! I feel strong, my muscles are working so much so I can lift more than my own weight. All of this has really made my body dysmorphia shine because of one comment, just one, from a regular had said to me.
Time Will Tell
Before I address this comment, I want to address my body dysmorphia which I have never been diagnosed with officially but is the best way to describe how I feel. Like every woman in the world, our bodies are a topic of conversation. It could be about weight loss, pregnancy, shape, height, weight gain, change in cycle, this list can go on and on. A woman’s body is so heavily policed, so much to the point that our government feels they have the right to control our bodies. And still with all the other topics in the world or things to care about and I mean anything else, this is the one taught and forced onto us the moment we shoot out the womb. It is so normal that most of it actually comes from our families ironically. From a young age they nurture our self-esteem or lack of self-esteem which may unintendedly lead to body dysmorphia without them realizing the harm they are inflicting. They make comments about how much you eat or donât eat down to what you wear or what you donât wear. The nitpicking of what we are supposed to look like in their eyes is a result of their trauma from their mother’s and father’s societal expectations. This loop got passed down from one generation to the next, in a perpetual cycle until it met me.
Growing up I tried to ignore it and let those comments pass. I thought logically, how could I control what happens naturally? My body will do whatever it thinks is necessary for me to be alive and if that means I have more weight in my legs, well, so be it. I canât control my genetics and my DNA. And as true as that is, the more you hear it over and over again the more you start to believe their words and suddenly, before you know it your brain is wired to think the same way. My friends would tell me âNo youâre not fat,â or we compare jean sizes to see who would be smaller. All of this is like a battle to be the fattest and wanting to win yet, being okay with the recognition of being skinny. It was the smallest amount of validation that I needed to feel good about my body.
It wasnât until I started my fitness journey that it started to slowly unwind and send my brain in confusion. I have already talked about the self-conscious feeling of being a woman at the gym. Right now, I am at the last stage but, of course it is the bit I have been holding onto my whole life. That little bit is like the Bowser of the problem, it is big and the source of the problem but you gotta beat him to finally feel free. I honestly didnât even notice until I was at this stage until that one comment.
I Need Flower Power
But we need a minute before we get there because I have a bone to pick with these gym influencers. Especially the ones that talk about meals and promote gym wear or pre work-out without talking about mindset. Mindset is everything at the gym, it will highlight a lot about the way you think of yourself and even how you think of others who think of you. And I mean the truth about yourself. Going to the gym made me realize that I have really low self-esteem paired with high expectations of myself as a response to shield myself from all the trauma. Most of us know this as cockiness – a very dangerous thing – this is how you get hurt in the gym. Realizing that I was mistaken about my self-image versus what I actually am was a tough hill to overcome. Over time my body accumulated with a new diet regime and workout. And now it is actually what I have been aiming for in the gym. I am hitting weights heavier than me, having old clothes fit like they used or even bigger, eating more protein and vegetables. I am seeing physical differences telling me I am that girl now. These signs are there telling me every day, but I can help but still being scared to get on that scale to weigh myself. I know it is important to see the fluctuations to get an average weight and I also know I am still scared to see my numbers. Even though it is just a brief second, that disinterest, that panic after eating terribly, all those feelings surge to the surface. Then fade when I see anything below 154 and I know this!
I know this yet I continue to wear baggy clothes, sweatpants, big jackets when I go out. Big T-shirts to the gym and shorts is my gym outfit. Even with all the cute gym outfits out I would give an excuse to not buy them. For the past four years I stuck with my big shirt and shorts combo. Obviously not the same pieces but the same style. I noticed I was stuck with this combo when I complimented a regular at the gym on her pink set. I said, âI really like your set!â and she (probably being in her early 30âs) responded with, âAw thankyou! You are so cute, just so adorable!â. I was too stunned to speak. I havenât been called adorable since I was 5! Yâall I am 23 years of age! Like?! I donât know if I should say thank you, but I am sure I thanked the lady. She called me adorableâŚshe couldâve said pretty, beautiful, stunning, lil cutie but she said adorable. I mean I guess I am? And I am sure she meant in good nature.
This sparked controversy in me because it got me thinking about how I dress, how I look, my aesthetics choices, I mean everything about me. I do all this work on my body because I have issues and now that my body is what I want, I donât do anything to show it off. I realized I never am comfortable showing certain parts of my body like my shoulders or my legs or my chest. This discomfort is one I donât really talk about, and most people donât even notice because I donât show my discomfort. And I know why- thanks to a certain male gaze- and this is the Bowser I have to beat. Feeling comfortable in my skin no matter what I show modestly or wildinâ out without caring about the male gaze. Some women can do it with amazing confidence, they inspire me to step out of my shell.
The Unreleased
I really hate how I am controlled by this feeling of being shy or scared. I wish I had the confidence to strut my stuff but just not in personality. Thatâs why this week’s song is Just a Waste, an unreleased song by Pink Pantheress. She actually published this song under her other name on Spotify but then deleted it after a month! Hate that for us and hate her for that! Such a good ass song, I couldn’t find it anywhere⌠until now.
The song title says it all, all the worrying, the actions to avoid, the mental capital is just a waste. Imagine a life when you get to be free from all this. How peaceful it could be but of course the human experience isnât so easy. Childhood feelings are probably thee hardest to get over because we have been carrying them until we become conscious about ourselves. Unpacking and exploring them is the only way to see how youâve become the person you are today. I understand and physically can see the impact of my destructive thoughts and the best thing I can do for myself is release it. Release these self-doubts, release negativity, release my self-consciousness, just everything. See what that does to you and I shall keep you updated on mine.
Thank you for joining me on this journey at The Unfinished Times! Don’t forget to follow me for more insightful content, give a shout-out to spread the word, and consider signing up for our Co-Collective to be part of our vibrant community. And if you missed any posts from previous weeks, take a moment to catch up! Let’s continue exploring, sharing, and growing together! See you in the next post~ XOXO
26
Tell me your Thoughts