Song of the Week:
Don’t Trust Me by: The Booyah! Kids
Chapter Closed
Welcome, welcome to The Unfinished Times, where we discuss new topics each week to let our brains rejuvenate after such a long Monday and Tuesday. To my new regulars, it is amazing to have you join me again and to those of you who are new, I’m excited that you’re here with us today, welcome!
After this new year, I have been thinking… life is so hard. Life is a combination of different seasons, each contributing to the person we are becoming. At each stage we face multiple challenges and rough patches, but when you look back you realize it wasn’t even that challenging or serious. I was convinced I knew everything at eighteen...but boy, was I wrong.
As an angsty eighteen-year-old, choosing where I would spend the next four years without parental supervision was probably the best and worst decision you could give me. Now as a lost twenty-two-year-old, I am convinced I know nothing but have to make choices that will affect my future and then some. Time is a funny thing; you can always look back but never forward.
What a Time to be Alive
Looking back on it, I don’t recall asking anybody for advice or help in deciding where I went to college; I just knew that I needed to make it. I was really committed to this idea, perhaps to a fault. I didn’t know for what, yet all my focus and attention was on making it to college. I spent all my high school years studying, taking AP classes, and doing extracurricular activities to have an amazing resume. I chose the farthest place from anyone in my family, the only common sense I had was to stay in California. Thus, Sacramento; a city I had never previously stepped foot in. It was the first solo move I had ever done and as crazy as it sounds, I only had $500 to my name, three suitcases, and my determination that got me on that flight. Doing something on my own was nerve wracking but with the help from some of the kindest people I was able to survive. So, thank you to all the people who helped me in my first year. That move was as smooth as a baby’s bottom but school on the other hand was a different story. In my initial approach, I decided it would be smart to not give a single fuck about homework and classes; all I had to do was pass the major exams. Of course, that did not fly; my GPA took a huge dip, a humbling reminder that college indeed required effort. But I was partying every weekend, eating dinner with my friends every night, and hanging out till 1 AM. This freedom was new to me, and accountability was out the window. I knew about time management, but I didn’t think I actually had to practice it. I have always been good at school, and I didn’t pick a majorly challenging school– not that I could get in anyways- or a challenging major. I thought the hard part was over, I got in and I had a place to stay. What could go wrong? Oh, my dear, everything. I read a quote recently that sums up this feeling, “There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know” (Donald Rumsfeld).
The True Awkward Phase
I realized the second half of the quote, “there are unknown unknowns…” too late in life. Never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted for a global pandemic to hit the earth and as a result prevent me from going to school. Like many college students, the covid-19 pandemic forced me to return home and sort out my behavior and get on track to being an adult in this matrix. There was no possible way I would have survived the second year of college the way I was living but, being back home wasn’t what I had hoped for. After having the taste of freedom for the first time, to live with my mother again was a huge regression. I easily went back to my old ways only this time I was working more and spending more money on online shopping. I was working, attending online school, and sleeping and doing this on repeat. I became a hamster in a wheel, slowly losing my mind. The only saving grace I had was trips to Los Angeles to see my partner.
Since we were a long-distance couple at the time, and I was the one with the vehicle I would regularly make trips to visit him. The best part wasn’t even seeing him, it was the drives to and back that really made it worth it. At the time, the pandemic really took away all of the things I loved to do, but the one thing it couldn’t take away was drive on the 5 to the 805. With my music blasting, windows rolled down, and the sun kissing my skin, the stress in my body was released. I became aware of loving the small things in life, like this drive. I slowly started to appreciate my comfortability living at home and soon found little things at work like back stocking or folding the clothes neatly as possible to be joyful. It was at this point in my life that I let go of societal expectations and craved the deeper things in life.
On the other hand, my peers went the opposite direction; they craved the life before the pandemic while I found solace in the new. It was difficult coming back and not enjoying the things I used to before the pandemic happened. Even though it fit my age to do so I mentally found no pleasure in participating in drinking or partying or going to the club. It looked so fun when other people did it, however, for myself it was never thrilling. I felt like I was the boring one or missing out on something people my age were having. I had to explore new hobbies and new experiences to find what made my soul sing.
Twenty-two (oh, oh)
In this new era of my twenties, I recall dreading getting older because I knew my time was trickling away until I had to be an adult adult. As chapter 22 comes to an end, I have to engage in some serious adulthood questions like if I am going to have babies or not, or where I want to live for the rest of my life, or worst of all my career. I feel as though being twenty-two is still a child; a baby in their Twenties but, twenty- three, she is different. She has her shit slightly together, has a skin care and make up routine, dresses elegantly, drinks matcha lattes, and walks her dogs every morning and then heads to the office. And maybe, it is my never-ending urge to be seen older than I am, that makes me feel like I need to be this person by my birthday. I need to have all these answers to all those questions so I can feel prepared. I know deep down that the difference between being twenty-two or twenty-three doesn’t exist. Building that person will take time and it doesn’t happen like magic although, it would be extremely helpful. But how can I go from thinking I know everything to not knowing a damn thing?! I don’t know. Figuring all of this out is a) stressful b) a headache and c) a pain in my butt.
If there was one thing chapter 22 has taught me -maybe two- it is that time is going to pass whether you like it or not. Why would you want to speed it up when it is going to happen; take your day second by second, minute by minute, day by day but never year by year. I want things so the future me could be happy which makes sense but the present me is suffering trying to make it a reality. Instead of choosing to suffer, I take my day, second by second and what is for me will come to me. I don’t need to rush, rush, rush for something that never was for me. I miss out on living in the now trying to catch up with my future. When my future is already there for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t work or try; it just means I stop using that mental capital and put it somewhere else to something positive. Realizing there are unknown unknowns, shows that there are only two categories known knowns and known unknowns. Understanding that life will have unknown unknowns but to live with it day by day until the fog clears is adulthood. That connection is the underlying difference in being a teen and an adult.
Which hints at this week’s song choice, Don’t Trust Me by the Booyah! Kids. In my interpretation for this week, I feel like the song grasps at the idea of not trusting others while still wanting them. I feel like that about myself, how can I trust myself when I say I know everything to then know nothing. While wanting to trust myself, I must find ways to allow myself to be misunderstood even to myself. There must be a balance between, an equilibrium to what I know and what I unknowingly know. Stay tuned for next week when the topic has yet been decided so it’ll be a surprise for the both of us.
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